Once upon a time there was a German car manufacturer who made outstanding cars and provided an outstanding quality of service. Many companies deemed their cards to be "the best" and adopted them as their car of choice for contract rentals.

This made the car manufacturer very happy, very wealthy, and possibly very complacent.

Previous to 2003, I'd "had" 3 BMW's and been responsible for contract rentals on another dozen, so I felt as though I knew BMW and what they stood for - quality cars and quality service.

So much so that in 2003 I took myself down to the local showroom and ordered my very own custom spec BMW, indeed the very latest 5-series model. I couldn't have been happier.

Until of course they delivered it.

The "new" 5-series simply is not the old 5-series. It's better on Petrol (although not by "that" much) however the reduced weight makes it very twitchy on the motorway when there's a wind. The variable speed power assisted steering is "noisy", and the gearbox is pretty "rough",  and being told "it's a driver's car, the box is just like the one on a Porshe" really doesn't impress. So, just for kick off, I found I'd bought a new and inferior 5-series. Boo!

Shortly after delivery, I chipped my windscreen. The chip morphed from a chip to an 18" crack within the space of 48 hours, I guess I can't blame the car for this, although it was the first windscreen I'd ever had "go".

On returning it to the garage, they promptly fitted a new screen. I collected the car and parked it on the drive in advance of it's next outing.

It rained for a day or two.

Then came time to use the car with it's new screen. I fired it up, pulled off the drive and half way up the street found it was raining inside the car! Water was coming out of the roof and even better, out from the light fitting in the roof! (there was quite a lot of water!)

Not a happy chappie I deposited the car back with the garage with instructions to "fix it".

A couple of days later I got a call from the service manager, "sorry sir, we can't find a leak, are you sure the water didn't come in through the window?".   My answer, "yes of course, there was a freak shower which forced it's way through the window and into the roof (in the inside)."

They spent another day shooting high pressure hoses at it.

"Sorry sir, we still can't find a problem".

"Mmm, well that would make you incompetent then wouldn't it".

"Ok sir (sigh!) we will try once more..." (the patronization starting to creep in)

Another day and I get the call!

"Sir, we've found and fixed the fault."

"I see, so we've banned freak weather?"

"No sir, there was an air bubble in the seal left when we re-fitted the Window".

Apparently they had to park the car on a slope and when they did that, it was relatively easy to force water through the seal. Anyway, not only did that leave me with electrics that had been the subject of running water, the ham-fisted engineer who'd investigated the problem had levered off the roof trim with a screwdriver - leaving a screwdriver mark and damage around the central console light fitting. This is on a new £30,000 car within it's first year.

I wasn't too upset, although the word "fuckwits" did keep popping up in my mind.

Anyway, I figured that if I could keep the car away from the garage, things would be fine .. and as the car was generally pretty reliable, I could live with it.

All was well until we came up to the end of the 3 year warranty period. Before it was due to go in for it's MOT, I gave it the once-over just to make sure nothing was out of place. Strangely, I spotted a defect on the boot, slightly smaller than the size of a pea, caused by pressure from the inside .. indeed looking at it you'd think that one of the bolts holding the boot lid on was protruding through slightly.

Now I had no idea how this has been caused or whether it had always been there, but there was clearly no other surrounding damage inside or out, so I figured that given this could not have been caused by any external damage, it must be a warranty defect, yes?

So I took it into the garage (my first mistake) to see the claims assessor who examined it and said "sorry mate, I've no idea, my manager will have to see it". So, I took it away .. and took it back again, and the manager said "sorry mate, I've no idea, BMW will have to look at it". So, I took it away, then back again for BMW .. who said "this can only have been caused by you closing the boot improperly, so we're not covering it".

Anyone with half an ounce of sense could look at the boot and tell it was in 100% working order and not damaged in any way, subject to this paint defect on the outer skin. In which case, how insulting is it to suggest the damage was caused by the customer?!

Anyway, given the defect really wasn't going to make much difference, I left it well alone knowing how much damage could be done if I let them have too much access to the car.

So ...

This year, following the second MOT and oil change, I had a call from BMW customer service, big mistake! They've gotten used to taking my money .. there is such a thing as simply taking money while it's still available and going bust gracefully.

"So sir, how would you rate your level of satisfaction with the service you have received."

"Well, that all depends on whether you're talking about this specific service, and whether you're talking about actual technical competence or value for money".

"Oh, Ok, this specific service, out of 10".

"0"

"Oh, why's that sir"

"Well, I wouldn't generally expect to pay £500 for a service, even if it was a Roller, which it most definitely is not ... and if I were, I'd expect to be told how much the service would be 'before' the work was done. The term 'clip joint' comes to mind."

"Oh, so what did they do for the £500 ?"

"Oil change, Brake fluid change, MOT, general inspection, £336+VAT was labour".

"Ah, that does sound quite expensive ..." (foolishly moves on not wanting to get involved with overcharging)

"What about service in general, not just in this instance, out of 10?"

"0"

"Ah, price again?"

"No, I've been over charged for tyres before, but other stuff hasn't been too bad" ... I went on to explain about the windscreen and the boot defect.

"Oh, we'd like to do something about the boot sir, can you bring it in again?"

"You're kidding, everyone has already looked at it!"

"No sir, it doesn't sound right, I'd like to have someone look at it again".

So off it went, this time (for the first time) they actually had someone come collect the car, something I'd been used to happening all the time on previous BMW's, maybe they were actually going to "do" something this time!

Back it came the same day ...

"That was quick!"

"Yes sir, they had a look at it in the shop"

"Ok, so what's the verdict?"

"Well sir, there's no way it could have been caused by the boot being closed improperly"

"Ahah, success!" , "So, what caused it?"

"Well sir, it looks like the boot lid has been taken off and tightened too much when put back"

"Ok, so you're going to fix it?"

"No sir, we've not taken the boot off!"

"Well, I've not taken the boot off .. why would I?"

"I don't know sir, but that's the verdict!"

"Mmm, so what makes you think that the boot lid was taken off?"

"Well sir , there are scratch marks around the screw heads on the right hand side inside the boot lid lining ..."

"Mmm, I suppose there would be ..."

"So you see sir, someone took the boot lid off!"

"No they didn't. When I brought the car in for the very first time, your chap examined it in front of me, he took the trim off and applied an allen key to the screws just to make sure they were tight .. indeed I remember him scratching them at the time and thinking how glad I was he wasn't an engineer who would be working on the vehicle. However, he was unable to loosen or tighten the screws, so those scratch marks are not relevant to the problem".

"Ah."

"So, how about the screws on the left hand side of the boot lid .. any scratches?"

"Urm, now you mention it .. no".

"So your evidence that 'I' effectively caused the problem, was some scratching caused by one of your employees, which given there are scratch marks on one side only is not consistent with the boot lid removal. You were better off sticking with the improper closure story".

"Ah."

"I'll get the guy who was doing it to think about it again."

"Yeah sure, and he'll send me a reply by flying pig".

Sure enough I've heard nothing more from the garage and nothing more from BMW's customer satisfaction department. All I have to show for it is a minor paint defect on the boot lid and 120 miles of additional wear and tear from driving back and fore at a cost of maybe £50 according to the taxman.

So, it would have been cheaper for me to have paid a local paint sprayer to fix the problem than to actually report it to BMW as a warranty defect.

This is only part of the (wonderful) BMW experience. As a long time dissatisfied customer responsible for over a dozen purchases, here's what I recommend;

• Don't rely on the warranty, certainly don't invest in the extended warranty
  

• Don't buy run-flat tyres, they last half as long and cost twice as much as standard tyres
  
• Don't let BMW fit your tyres, local garages will be a lot cheaper
• Pay no attention to "residual value", if you take your 2 year old car back to the dealer, expect to be offered a lot less than the "advertised" residual, even on a part-x.
  
• Remember that although it says BMW over the door, they're still car salesmen and as they usually also sell second had cars, they're actually used car salesmen.
• Use your money to purchase goods. Purchasing good will and service in advance used to work well, but these days it seems not always to be the case.